i would punch a child for taco bell
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
two words...techno handjob
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Randomize
