ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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