I understand Curling. That high.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
