he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Randomize
