so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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