??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
never play flip cup with pint glasses
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
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