dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
