"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
