Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
Randomize
