I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Randomize
