...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
This is the high leading the old right now
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
