why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Randomize
