All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Randomize
