I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Randomize
