Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
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