i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I use my feet as sexual weapons
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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