His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Randomize
