Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
