Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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