i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
