That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
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