I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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