Cold hands, warm shart.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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