I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
