when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Randomize
