I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
God I need to hump something, right now.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
