I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
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