Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Randomize
