tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
