god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
