the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Randomize
