my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
