I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Randomize
