Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Randomize
