Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Randomize
