so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
