I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
When / where did the additional couches appear?
Additional?
James brought one with him when he showed up. Theres still 2 outside and according to facebook, at least one more burned up.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
