Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Randomize
