Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
