u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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