I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
