If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Randomize
