I puked a lego.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Randomize
