We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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