He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
