tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
