I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
