someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
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