I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Randomize
