Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
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