True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Randomize
