ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
